This is just the beginning. The real journey begins now. And with a simple decision, not much unlike any other, everything changed.
Darkness swirled, unsettled and taunted in one last bid for permanent residency… eventually it gushed away into the distance, leaving as quickly as it had arrived. The clouds lifted to reveal the brightest of blues, stretching forever, scorched only by the burning sun. And the wind whispered behind faded curtains, licking my hair with imaginary fingers, slender and soft. Sunlight streamed in and spilt its warmth on the wooden floor, aged with the weight of our dreams but still sturdy, still strong. I gazed towards the west, over fields I had run through a thousand times. My senses spoke the language of this land, in a way so beautiful, so instinctual. I knew the dirt, the blades of grass, the daisies that flecked the landscape, the creatures that lived in the gardens, and the bush beyond the horizon. I grew here. This place shaped me. This is my home. And finally I let it seep into me, let it nourish my soul and set me free.
So here I am, two months before I throw caution to the wind and go where the road takes me. I can barely breathe. Every single tiny molecule of my being is screaming yes. And although I don’t have answers, nor much of a plan, I know it is taking shape and my decision is simply a decision – neither right or wrong. Maybe I can write my way through. Maybe I can just wander awhile, and rediscover my senses and the instinctual ways that drove me safely for so long. For they are not here, not in this world that I have consciously created, this world that is drowning me.
I have been so upset with the way society is for as long as I can remember. The flaws, are so profoundly shattering. I feel misled. Like I was guided down a path that promised prosperity only to eventually realise these promises were merely false, empty words. And this void that has been growing inside me, this bottomless pit that yearns to be filled, it was created by this very path. But I had to walk this far, to realise.
We are led to believe we have choices but then are restricted to only a few options. I was not taught to think for myself. I studied. I have a degree. But in order to get it I had to learn to think like other people. Something is wrong when we are encouraged to ‘think outside the square’ but the parameters of that square are tightly bound within the confines of a structure of rules – so restrictive – that to be different and step outside them, alienates us.
I have a good job. I make a good wage. But what does that mean? We have become so disconnected, we no longer challenge the setup. We just fall into routine and reassure ourselves that because everyone else is doing the same thing, it is the best thing. We buy new boats, new houses, new cars, new clothes, new things. We eat fast food and then we get sick, so we go to the Doctor who prescribes us a pill, and that pill might make us feel a bit better, for a little while. But we continue to work longer and longer hours, sitting hunched over computer screens with fluorescent lights burning the backs of our eyes. We have no time for friends, for family, for laughter and love. We get home from our ten hour day and we are tired, our head hurts and our eyes ache so we get takeaway food and fall in front of the TV which drones on about how we need more things and we go to sleep thinking about a new couch, or how our eyes are more wrinkly than they used to be and if only we could have something else, we would be happy. And without so much as a thought, we drag ourselves out of bed to a bastard alarm clock and do it all again the next day. And it all just gets faster and faster, while we get more and more tired. It’s likely we don’t stop and appreciate a flower, the beautiful sunshine, or a blade of grass – even once – in our day.
This has to change. Our priorities are skewed. We are so out of balance we can’t see any other way. It keeps us sedated and under control. I have ran this race for the last fifteen years. What are you working towards? There has never been a time more important than now to stop and reassess. Are you trying to make a difference? Are your days spent in the warmth of love? Do you bask in stillness and allow your senses to sing?
And so this is the beginning of my journey, into some foreign landscape that has beckoned me as long as I can remember. I’m hitting the road for awhile, I’m selling my things and I’m going to find a different way. I don’t know if it is going to work, but I believe that I won’t look back. I am not searching for anything that is not already within me. I already have what I need to sort this for myself. But I crave expansion through experience and my senses need to be awakened again. If you wish to follow me here, please do… for this is just the beginning.