They say that every ending is a new beginning. They say that time heals. They say a lot of things I tried to tell myself for a long time. Today, they don’t say so much.
Someone recently said to me that success is defined within each of us. A successful life, this man said, will be yours if you follow your own truth. You are responsible for your own happiness. If you pin your self-worth to anything beyond your own self, anything beyond your own imagination, you risk crumbling with the loss, or ending, of that thing.
I almost cried when he said that. I thought this man would criticise my decision to make a change, pack up and see the world. I didn’t think he would understand my motive. I had judged his path by thinking I knew his next move, and when he made the opposite one, I realised I was in no way exempt from casting judgement. It’s funny how we are reflected in the faces of those around us. It’s funny how when we find ourselves disliking something about someone, we usually possess that same quality ourselves. None of us are perfect, but we can try and learn from our mistakes and let them mould us into a slightly improved version of ourselves.
I think if we seek change and progression, we will find it. If we seek to improve ourselves, develop our inner wisdom and learn to love again, the challenges we face become a necessary foundation for growth. We stop whinging. We stop creating drama and wishing things were different, and we start getting on with it.
You know when you’re not happy. You know when you wake up in the morning and drag yourself out of bed to live a life you feel you didn’t participate in creating. Whoever you are, whatever you have suffered, you can make changes to make yourself happier. But you have to stop talking about it and do something. The longer you sit there picking apart other peoples dreams the higher the risk you will never follow your own.
The endings are hard. The goodbyes can be devastating. My insides are grappling in anticipation of the blow. But the overwhelming emotion is met with an excitement, an energy that I have not known before. It’s overflowing. It feels as though my whole life has led me to this moment, where I get to begin again. I get to leave behind all the injustices and all the hurt. I get to forgive and be thankful that I created an opportunity out of something that tore my whole world apart.
This year has been a learning curve of epic proportions. I can barely begin to explain. I can’t even count how many times I fell down and got back up again. I skulked around in dark corners, eyes glazed in a drunken haze more times than I care to admit. You may have seen me there, once or twice, letting go of every last little piece of myself until it was just one perfect moment – no future, no past. I will not apologise. I believe my undoing was absolutely integral in redefining myself. But I will offer my deepest gratitude to those who stood by me, picked me up when I needed a hand and helped shoulder the burden. Those people taught me to believe again.
In no way am I saying there is not more work to be done. In every moment we get to begin again. But as I sit here and dust the corners of a lifetime of memories, stack the things I’ll keep and burn the things I should have burnt a long time ago, I’m embracing the next chapter. I could not have imagined feeling as full as I do right now. My friends have taught me so much about love, laughter and how a good bottle of red can spark the most inspiring of connections… Thanks to them I have been able to let go of an old version of myself and with that, a set of circumstances, dynamics and patterns. Redefined. More beautiful. Stronger. More unravelled and yet more together, than ever…
The countdown begins.