I miss you. I miss the days we laughed together at little things that no one else would understand. I wish we could make more of those days.
You know sometimes, it can feel like we are drowning. Drowning in the sadness of others. And sometimes, we would like to find a way to fill those sad lungs, those lungs that are not breathing so well – with air – and bring them back to life.
Cold water surrounds me now. And how it breaks my heart that I can’t reach you, that my love is not enough to fill you, up.
And that cold, cold water, oddly, does not numb the pain.
If I could give you my happiness, I would. God knows I have tried. I have thrown answers, and solutions, and all the lessons I have learnt at you. But this is your journey, your story. And so, my solutions are invalid and lost in the discomfort of trying.
And as I watch you slide, I know I can’t be the one to pick you up and save you. It breaks my insides. The tears are secondary to the utter helplessness. And as I reach out, I know you don’t see me reach out.
I know, in the deepest pit of my stomach that these mere words, are but words. They just occupy a space otherwise blank. They are no more than that, no matter how heartfelt, how honest, how raw.
And perhaps we each face a great challenge in our life. Maybe more than one. But perhaps for each of us there is a defining moment, where we must change to move on. Perhaps this is yours.
It can be so painful. This life. It can rattle us to the core. And we may wonder what we were even sent here for.
And as real as my own pain at watching this break, and shatter, as it needs to – is my imagining of your pain. And although I am not part of this, it is part of me.
Like it, or not.
I can be only a catalyst. I cannot heal, nor tend to your wounds. No matter, I will hold your aching heart from all the way over here, where you think does not exist. But it does.
I can describe to you, all I see. I can offer you a view, from the outside, of all I see. But when you don’t see it, I don’t know how to show you in a way you will understand. If I could lend you my eyes, I would show you the beauty I see, and the strength. The caring, kind and gentle spirit that deserves only love.
For behind the darkness, shines this light. This beautiful, most amazing, vibrant, golden light.
As I watch you writhe, tighten and flail against yourself, I want to hold you close. But when I do, you writhe, tighten and flail against me. It’s your battle, your war. I’m not the challenger here. This is your truth. You have all you need to win this. And I am here. I am on your side. I am standing back, but I am here.
And these words, they are just words, and so they may not reach you.
But if, by chance, they reach you – then remember you have wings that were made to fly. And trust me when I say, the sun will rise again and you can have the bluest, blue sky.
And I love you.