My mouth is still watering from its creaminess. My tastebuds are still dancing like a little army that just won a war.
And my body aches. I’m sick. I’ve spent three days with a tissue to my nose and am feeling, well, a little worse for wear. It’s cold. The wind is icy. I miss my buddy Lola and her warm cuddles. I miss my friends. I miss my bed.
It’s been ten days now, of yoga twice a day. Ten days of classes. Ten days of clean eating. Ten long days. My thoughts are swimming amongst Sanskrit words for yoga poses, and I’m tired. There is so much to learn. There is so much to know.
My body is going through a huge transformation. It doesn’t know itself. It’s creaking in places it never used to creak, and aching in a way I’ve never known. It feels good, but it feels foreign. I’m undoing fifteen years of neglect. Relearning how to love. No one said it would be easy.
And as I progress, I’m realising how little I know, and how much time I have spent trying to know it all. I started this yoga teacher training course thinking I had a fair understanding of what I was getting into. I did not.
I’m realising how these physical changes directly relate to mental and emotional changes. It all really is connected. It’s cleansing. It’s one hell of a detox. And it’s tough. Looking at myself – from the outside, in – and realising how unhealthy I’ve been, it’s not not something I’m proud of.
Now I’ve opened the door to this world, and suddenly there are corridors and tunnels and lights and doors everywhere. There are so many paths I don’t know which way to turn. I want to learn it all, but can never know it all. So I’m just sitting with it. I’m just letting it all wash over me. I don’t need to achieve anything, that’s not what this is about. I don’t need to reach an outcome. I just need to enjoy the process, and enjoy the learning. If I can do that, I will learn the best lessons for me, for now.
The more you learn the lessons of life, the more you realise how little you actually know. The older I get, my need to belong, control, and understand is becoming less and less.
My need to simply be, is growing.
Less is my need to attach myself to a status, or an idea of what being successful is by anyone else’s standards but my own. My need to be someone in your eyes, or anyone else’s eyes, has dissipated. If I’m not honouring myself, then I’m going the wrong way. I spent so many years trying to pick the right way. Trying to make the right decisions. Trying to fit in. Trying to please others. I spent so many years trying to live someone else’s life.
It’s really hard to unlearn what we think we know. It’s really hard to start reprogramming ourselves, our way of thinking, and our understanding of the world. And it’s really hard to transform yourself into a better version of yourself – the real you. It’s easier to do what you have always done (like buy a chocolate bar when you are sick and need some comfort).
There have been times in the last ten days I have felt like I was soaring. My body is stronger. My mind is stronger. I am eating better. I am not smoking. I am sleeping better than I ever remember. I am dreaming beautiful, colourful, vivid dreams. I am smiling more. I am feeling less afraid. I am meeting wonderful people. Things are just falling into place.
But life is such that we must find balance. The lows are inevitable. We all have them. I am not striving to escape them. I am striving to learn new ways to embrace them.
But that concept didn’t seem so easy when I woke up this morning feeling sick and miserable.
I missed class because I needed rest, and sleep. And as I lay curled up in bed sniffling away feeling pretty damn average, I began to feel guilty. Then I remembered the lessons I am learning here are about getting to know myself better and giving myself what I need. These lessons are about recognising that when I am weak, I must be kind to myself, be gentle, be a good friend and keep perspective.
So although I’m still sniffling away, I’m heading back to class feeling fresher, a little stronger and happy to have found such an understanding and kind new friend.